It's time like these...

Lately, I have found myself eating continuously. Like stress eating then I find myself trying to get rid of it. Why? I have a few ideas...

1) I don't feel good about myself.
2) I feel like I dont need to look good for anyone.
3) Might as well keep on eating, nothing else to do.
4) Annie eat your feelings.

I have been an emotional ROLLER COASTER that has not stopped. I feel like everything has finally hit me and it all hit at once. Like BAM! There ya go Annie!

Then Most recently I went to a concert with a friend and became addicted to this guy... I just had to see more and more of him, I got a picture with him and needed more. Im addicted to his passion for what he does.

But the picture... well it scared me. I have S.W.S... Skinny Wannabe Syndrome! That is till I look in the mirror or see pictures. I'm already scared of mirrors as it is, pictures just make me feel worst about myself. I dont understand much these days.

But I do know this, thanks to a few pictures I have become VERY extremely Conscious of what I put in my mouth. So much so that I have already lost my bloat weight in a weeks time. I really feel bad about myself right now, and I want to be smaller.

I want to be able to be picked up. Although the guy with the guitar noticed me at the concert I wish we would notice me more lol. As a friend, he seems pretty kewl!

On another note, I feel like I have destroyed my relationship, I hate hurting people it kills me. For the past 4 years I have been in a constant relationship. Done nothing for myself and everything for others. I put off school to make sure everything was taken care of. I regret almost every decision I have made. I just want to live my life right now. I want to be pretty and feel pretty. I want to walk into a store and not be scared to walk by mirrors.

I am so conscious of my body now it makes me sick.

I feel so incredibly bad about myself... I think I'm having a breakdown.

I need Jesus more than anything, yet I keep pushing and pushing and pushing till I'm at my breaking point then I snap and instantly feel bad.

I read a verse and it's instant conviction.

I am so scared of what is happening to me, I'm scared of how much more I will lose. All of my friends are going through stuff right now too it seems and I don't want to drag them through anything. This past month has been the most draining month for me. I feel dry and dead and I need a hand. I need someone to be there for me. I need a Hero...

In the begininng...

All in favor of getting thin say "I"! It's not as simple as saying "I" though and this I have learned. After countless tries at placing myself on a diet or a "lifestyle change" I realize that it isn't about trying it's about doing and keeping myself held accountable for what I eat and how much I exercize. I want to be healthy and I want to walk down the aisle wearing the most beautiful dress I can, not just one that fits me. So I have begun a journey to being healthy and not just thin.

Step one:
Take out all of the junk food that is lying around. (check) As hard as it was with a house full of kids I have gotten rid of all temptation.

Step two:
Seek out a near by gym and begin a scheduled workout. (check) Im ready 24 hour fitness, but are you ready for all uh dis?!?

Step three:
Begin to shed pounds. I am pumped and ready to do this.

Now let me let you in a little bit about me. I hide behind my jokes and my clothes... You might be asking yourself what I mean by that but in all honesty I go through tons of clothes a week trying to hide lumps and fat with what my mamaw calls "extra layers". What can I say I'm like an onion you can peel off the layers... accept I don't smell bad, I try my best to smell really good as a matter of fact.

I could be like everyone else and say "because of my broken life I decided to eat and eat...blah blah blah" but really I just ate to eat. If me and my friends were sitting around we always ate. We dow gallons of soda at a time, in fact going to Chili's my friend and I usually down 2 pitchers of Diet Coke alone. Yes it's true Diet Coke and Coke Zero are my definite weaknesses... but I have been weining off of them to prepare myself for this day.

I will say that I have an eating disorder and it is a serious issue that God has brought me through and I will one day be able to speak against it as I conquer it and my weight.

This blog is a little all over the place at the moment but there will be pics, eating diaries, weekly weigh-ins, and video workouts of my sweating it off. I am truly In it to Fit it... I want to be Fit. I need support though, there will be pics of everything I put in my mouth to come, and I need people to comment or encourage me and subscribe to my blog. My motivation comes from all of you and from the Lord. Subscribe and see my transformation from the inside out, and follow me to support me.

Sincerely
Annie D.